I am a sad, sad television hoor

All right. I admit it. One of my most favorite times of year is the fall roll out of new shows. Sure, I watch the premiers of the new ones, because hey, when your abysmally single and hermitlike, nothing is as friendly as hooking up with the people you spend most of your time with; it might suck that most of them aren't really real, but at least I can have conversations about what happened on NCIS without people asking me if I've taken my medication.

But the new shows are where it's at. Sitting down in front of the cathode ray tube and watching a new show is like getting inside someone's head. How so? As you sit there, catching some brand spankin' new sitcom or one of the endless CSI-spinoffs, one of two things is likely to happen: One, you get into it, or two, and this is almost as good as diggin' the newness, you try and figure out what the fuck happened at the channel to spawn such awful, crap-occluded, brain dead piles of decaying matter. It's awesome.

Think about it. A show has many stages. It starts off as an idea and then makes a torturesome climb all the way up the ladder to some bossman sitting in his house in Maui drinkin' mai tais and looking at the wahinis. For a bad show to get on the air, someone at every single step fucked up. They fucked up so badly that is almost impossible to imagine. The amount of their fuckitude is virtually limitless. There are the actors, who got paid to blow goats, the camera people, who filmed the blowing of the goats, the stylists, who made the actors look pretty fellating the farm animals, the directors, who tried new and interesting ways to capture the goat's look of shock, the scouts, who picked the neat-o locations for the goats to find heaven, the screenwriters, who tried to add snappy dialogue so it wouldn't be a complete goat-fest, the caterers, who were advised not to have goat cheese or goat milk on their menu so the real goats wouldn't feel threatened, and so on. It gets worse if there's a 'live studio audience' because if the show really sucks and there are people present who waited in line to watch a half hour goat fucking session, you could have a soccer-style coup de t'at resulting in, sadly, a new form of Reality TV.

The amount of money spent on a bad television is money you cannot ever get back. It's gone. The higher-ups, in typical monkey mentality, start blaming people and sending off furious emails, covering their asses and basically saying that there was no way in HELL they gave a green light to some flop of shit that stank up the televisions across America and butchered the Nielson Ratings so badly that other channels were affected. Eventually, all the hairdressers and prop guys will get fired because they made the mistake of saying that they were 'really, really excited to be a part of television making history'.

That's why I like new television shows. The amount of chaos spawned by a crap show is truly monumental. It is friggin hilarious.

~Evilmister~