Oh, For Crying the Fuck Out Loud
Who do I have to fuck, fight or fool to have my goddamned checks cashed? I mean, first of all, I'm an anachronism; I despise credit (I say this knowing that anyone who works for Visa or Mastercard are laughing their asses off at me right now because of previous indiscretions) and I try to avoid using my bank card anywhere except a bank machine. I am a cash in hand kind of fella. It makes me walk a little taller, feel a little thinner, look a little cooler. Second of all, it's damned near impossible for me to find my checkbook in the pile of paper detritus that follows me like Pigpen's ever-present dust swarm. (it's not really a dust swarm, it's a swarm of nanobots that keep him and all the others from the peanuts gang alive and youthful.)
Now that I have readily made it apparent to everyone and Jeebus that I dislike anything but cash, I really really HATE writing checks.
Why you ask so sweetly?
Shit, motherfucker, it's because of two goddamned reasons.
Uno: My bank (BMO, somehow even worse than RBC, if you can believe that shite) HATES me. There is a five business day holding period on my checks above a 300CAD withdrawal limit. I have tried on more than one occasion to explain to those people that I am working, they are paychecks and they will not bounce. They are always deposited at the same series of bank machines, they are always the same amount, and the same dollar amount is always withdrawn right away ... that's for rent money. They tell me that if I want to adjust this, I will need to come into the bank and sign some paperwork. FUCK! My original bank is in goddamned Kitsilano. That is one hundred sixty three hours away by public transit. I told the person on the phone that I would just transfer to another branch, and then sign the paperwork there. They told me that it doesn't happen that way, if I tried that, I would have to wait until the Second Coming.
Duo: The people to whom I have written checks do not cash them right away. This is so phenomenally evil, so underhanded vile, to pernicious, that I actually lack the capacity for coherent thought. What the fuck do they do with them? Do they stare at the pretty pictures and compare them to the other checks they've received? Do they pile them on their bed and roll around in them? Or, and this is most likely, they hold up to the light and go "Mwahahahahaaaaa, now, now I shall make Evilmister go INSANE with the waiting. Mwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaahha. Igor, bring me some more wine spritzer."
This irritates the living shit out of me. Cash your checks when you get them, fucknobs, or I won't pay you when the frickin' thing bounces higher and faster than a day-glo green superball.
Now that I have readily made it apparent to everyone and Jeebus that I dislike anything but cash, I really really HATE writing checks.
Why you ask so sweetly?
Shit, motherfucker, it's because of two goddamned reasons.
Uno: My bank (BMO, somehow even worse than RBC, if you can believe that shite) HATES me. There is a five business day holding period on my checks above a 300CAD withdrawal limit. I have tried on more than one occasion to explain to those people that I am working, they are paychecks and they will not bounce. They are always deposited at the same series of bank machines, they are always the same amount, and the same dollar amount is always withdrawn right away ... that's for rent money. They tell me that if I want to adjust this, I will need to come into the bank and sign some paperwork. FUCK! My original bank is in goddamned Kitsilano. That is one hundred sixty three hours away by public transit. I told the person on the phone that I would just transfer to another branch, and then sign the paperwork there. They told me that it doesn't happen that way, if I tried that, I would have to wait until the Second Coming.
Duo: The people to whom I have written checks do not cash them right away. This is so phenomenally evil, so underhanded vile, to pernicious, that I actually lack the capacity for coherent thought. What the fuck do they do with them? Do they stare at the pretty pictures and compare them to the other checks they've received? Do they pile them on their bed and roll around in them? Or, and this is most likely, they hold up to the light and go "Mwahahahahaaaaa, now, now I shall make Evilmister go INSANE with the waiting. Mwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaahha. Igor, bring me some more wine spritzer."
This irritates the living shit out of me. Cash your checks when you get them, fucknobs, or I won't pay you when the frickin' thing bounces higher and faster than a day-glo green superball.
posted by Unknown @ 4:45 PM
1 Comments:
this is also one of my chief pet peeves. my mom does it and it kills me. but i have been a little flush lately so i usually got the change kicking in the account, but still?
how about that debit limit? same shit. you come from a household earning more that 70k a year and i have a $500 limit that i can't get changed unless i get down on my knees and deliver so if i want to buy ohhhh say a laptop for my thirtieth birthday i have to go to the bank machine the night before and take out my 500 for that day, skip all other forms of entertainment cause i am now at my limit for the day and then pay 500 on my card and 500 on my husbands. talk about looking like an ass in front of those ncix wankers. i mean is there a new world order? have we become slave to some higher power that pretty much controls everything...including the way we wipe our ass? well obviously the answer is yes. god damn people. shut the fuck up and get the hell out of here. it's my money and you can't have it you corporate shit eating monkeys.
not that i have an opinion or anything. and as for the former former post i say bring it on. but don't let it be shitty. i refuse to be bored with banality. it's the golden rule. no pressure though.
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