Starbucks Announces Unholy Pact With Nazi Furniture Designers

This is no joke, people. I am serious when I say this. Starbucks has joined forces with the Nazis to create a brand of exterior patio furniture that can kill a person stone dead in less than fifteen minutes. Where did these Nazi furniture trolls come from? Well, I can only guess, but I'd say that they're a splinter branch of Ikeadrones who broke free from the Nesting Instinct and are using the skills they learned in the hidden Furniture Caverns to promote evil.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind so much, as any evil is good evil, as far as I am concerned.

But this shit hits me where I live.

Back in the day, Starbucks used to have these awesome chairs you could sit on for hours in the hot sun, sucking back Grande Mocha Mint Frappucinnos like there was no tomorrow, performing the Canadian equivalent of Hank Hill and his buddies shotgunning brewskis in the back lot, going 'yup' and nothing but 'yup'. They were bucket recliner seats, and son of a bitch, they were comfy. It had to do with the green plastic wrapped metal 'ropes' they were built out of. Given enough time in chair, you could mold that thing to your very own ass, and after that, it'd take a legion of underpaid Starbucks zombies to get you gone by closing time. Of course, they were cheaply made, and the welded joints weren't so much welded as, well, put together with hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow. If you weren't careful and didn't pay attention, you'd sit in the bad chair with the broken joint and get your ass cheek caught in the mother of all gooses. I have broken skin, lost blood and one time I swear to crap the thing bruised me through my entire hip, front to back, but damn, it was still comfy, once the paramedics patched you up.

There have been some changes since then, some sort of 'moving forward' uber-American deconceptualized restructuring of patterned trends that has resulted in the CHAIR.

I'm certain Ayn Rand had a hand in developing them. If you've tried to (or have) read Atlas Shrugged, you know just what kind of torture I am talking about. These chairs are ennui and Galactic Heat Death rolled into one, the sort of slow-rolling trap that takes decades to implement fully. The Yakuza, with their 'long plan' view of things would certainly approve.

You can point to CHAIR and say, this is certainly a chair. It has all the necessary components of a piece of furniture on which I can park my ass and watch the world go by. It has arms, legs, a seat and a back. It is interestingly made out of blonde ash wood and fancy, unpretentious black metals. It is CHAIR, and it comforms easily to the standards of form and function.

The form, people, is a deSadian nightmare, it's function is destruction of nerve endings and tissue.

I am a professional Starbucks customer. I know the ins and outs, and how to avoid giving up the cherished 'favorite spot' and 'good chair'. I can't count the number of hours I have wasted sitting around, drinking coffee and doing the whole 'Aren't I sophisticated because I am working on (insert unpublished manuscript name here) while I sit at Starbucks drinking my McDrink' shtick. I can generate a Sith-like mind pattern that keeps the creeps at bay, giving me an entire table all to myself while other, semi-professional Starbucks wannabes hover uncertainly nearby, wondering if they should risk it.

But CHAIR has changed all of that.

I can't sit on these things for more than five minutes. I've sat in a chair that could and would dig a hole right through my right ass cheek if I forget what I'm doing. I've repaired old chairs using stir sticks, napkins and the hockeypuck shaped ashtrays.

CHAIR defies me. CHAIR shakes the concept of chairishness. It looks like a chair, it acts like a chair, but it is, in all actuality, the embodiment of "The Customer Is NOT Wanted".

What do I mean by this? Well, Starbucks has achieved a level of power where they no longer need to draw customers in. There are so many of the places, with so many employees, that they can close their doors and still make money selling things to other Starbucks employees and their families. There are enough Starbuckses now across this planet that they could successfully wage war against their enemies.

And CHAIR is the first step. Potential enemies are rendered virtually useless by CHAIR. Once hobbled, the Starbucks barista can easily decapitate said enemy with a razor sharp triangular object that looks like a Pumpkin Scone but is actually a ninja star.

I'm serious about this. The CHAIR is watching, it is waiting. And soon, it will claim your ass and legs, too.

I warned you all.