The Greatest Fucking Shows ... EVER
Hello, kiddies, this is the Devil Hisself, Evilmister, coming in to spin some fan-tastic new words.
When I was a kid growing up, one of the two coolest shows in known existence was Knight Rider. I remember being blown right the fuck away by this show. A talking car? That fights crime? It's got turbo jump, it can drive itself, it's got cameras and shit? It's fucking bullet and bomb proof, and you can talk to it on a wristwatch straight out of Dick Tracy? Sign me right the fuck up. It had everything you wanted in a show. It had the car, obviously, which was the show piece, but it also had Michael Motherfucking Knight. This dude (David Hasselhoff) was the coolest cat around, man. He had his shit so together colostomy bags ran the other way. He always caught the bad guy, and was unashamed to use his talking car to Get The Job Done. It had the patrician and ever-so-effete boss, Devon, who was head of his own very special department. Finally, rounding out the cast was Bonnie, the ultra-hot, ultra-smart (ultra-80s hairstyle) computer shiksa; this was to smooth away any unwanted homosexual feelings towards Hasselhoff, I'm sure.
When the introduced K.A.R.R, K.I.T.T's evil talking car twin, I about died. What on earth was going to happen now? They were both bombproof, both could talk, and more importantly, they both found reasons to turbo jump!
And when they introduced that titanic monstrosity, Goliath, dammit, I did die. A rig? That was like KITT? Driven by the insane son of Devon? Holy fucking shit, man, that was un-fucking-believable! This show was the shit. Of course, it was destined to die a bloated and pregnant death as people became aware that the show was pretty poorly acted, that the cool features K.I.T.T. had were by now pretty mundane and the Hasselhoff himself was actually kind of creepy. I'm sure that huge budgets and a swelled head or two didn't help.
The second greatest show in the 80s?
Airwolf. A midnight black attack chopper that is hidden away in a hollowed mesa? Driven by Jan Michael Vincent? Come on, man, get with the program! It was the fastest thing in the world, had the bestest guns, and quite frankly, was super cool. You had the boss, who was just about the neatest boss in the world, on account of he'd had an eye blown out and had to wear glasses, with one of the lenses blacked out. You had his buddy, Santini, who was played by none other than Ernest "Squeal like a Pig" Borgnine, who I think was some kind of mechanic or something, and a hot chick or two thrown in for good measure. You didn't need to have hot chicks in this show, on account of the fact that Jan Michael Vincent was always busy blowing shit up. That was, in a nutshell, his solution to everything. Bad guys in the truck? Swoop out of the hidden mesa, zoom at somewhere around a trillion miles an hour down utterly deserted roads, and blow the truck up. Guys hidden in a building with lots of guns? Do the flying out of the mesa thing, track them down, and guess what? Blow the building up. Unlike Michael Knight, "Stringfellow Hawke" has clearly unresolved issues (he spends his off-time hanging out in a cabin looking at impressionistic art and playing a cello and fastidously avoiding women who think he's hunky ........) and blows the fuck out of shit to make himself feel better. Oh yeah, and he's supposed to be looking for his brother who's lost in Vietnam, who's name is St. John Hawke. I wish my parents had named me something cool. Sadly, Monsieur Hawke is now ... um ... chock full o'nuts. He totalled his career awhile back by hitting the booze, the drugs, and his wife, and now looks kind of like you'd expect. I saw him on one of those Entertainment Tonight's ghastly 'where are they now' eps, and he's concvinced that Hollywood is against him.
The only thing that could have been even cooler than Knight Rider and Airwold apart was a Knight Rider/Airwolf crossover series. A talking car with turbo jump driven by a guy with awesome hair and all the ladies teamed up with a faster-than-light helicopter armed with more guns and cannons and shit piloted by a guy who, um ... plays cello and ignores women ... anyways, that would have been the fucking shit. I am serious. Teenage boys all across the land would have fucking died from sheer awesome-osity overload.
Airwolf.....Knight Rider.... together ... are you shitting me ... what, do the take control of the United States ... take on martians .... travel through time ... holy fuck .... this is so cool.....
The only thing that could have made it even better was if they could have contrived to have the A-Team in it to provide background support.
Oh man, do I miss 80s television.
When I was a kid growing up, one of the two coolest shows in known existence was Knight Rider. I remember being blown right the fuck away by this show. A talking car? That fights crime? It's got turbo jump, it can drive itself, it's got cameras and shit? It's fucking bullet and bomb proof, and you can talk to it on a wristwatch straight out of Dick Tracy? Sign me right the fuck up. It had everything you wanted in a show. It had the car, obviously, which was the show piece, but it also had Michael Motherfucking Knight. This dude (David Hasselhoff) was the coolest cat around, man. He had his shit so together colostomy bags ran the other way. He always caught the bad guy, and was unashamed to use his talking car to Get The Job Done. It had the patrician and ever-so-effete boss, Devon, who was head of his own very special department. Finally, rounding out the cast was Bonnie, the ultra-hot, ultra-smart (ultra-80s hairstyle) computer shiksa; this was to smooth away any unwanted homosexual feelings towards Hasselhoff, I'm sure.
When the introduced K.A.R.R, K.I.T.T's evil talking car twin, I about died. What on earth was going to happen now? They were both bombproof, both could talk, and more importantly, they both found reasons to turbo jump!
And when they introduced that titanic monstrosity, Goliath, dammit, I did die. A rig? That was like KITT? Driven by the insane son of Devon? Holy fucking shit, man, that was un-fucking-believable! This show was the shit. Of course, it was destined to die a bloated and pregnant death as people became aware that the show was pretty poorly acted, that the cool features K.I.T.T. had were by now pretty mundane and the Hasselhoff himself was actually kind of creepy. I'm sure that huge budgets and a swelled head or two didn't help.
The second greatest show in the 80s?
Airwolf. A midnight black attack chopper that is hidden away in a hollowed mesa? Driven by Jan Michael Vincent? Come on, man, get with the program! It was the fastest thing in the world, had the bestest guns, and quite frankly, was super cool. You had the boss, who was just about the neatest boss in the world, on account of he'd had an eye blown out and had to wear glasses, with one of the lenses blacked out. You had his buddy, Santini, who was played by none other than Ernest "Squeal like a Pig" Borgnine, who I think was some kind of mechanic or something, and a hot chick or two thrown in for good measure. You didn't need to have hot chicks in this show, on account of the fact that Jan Michael Vincent was always busy blowing shit up. That was, in a nutshell, his solution to everything. Bad guys in the truck? Swoop out of the hidden mesa, zoom at somewhere around a trillion miles an hour down utterly deserted roads, and blow the truck up. Guys hidden in a building with lots of guns? Do the flying out of the mesa thing, track them down, and guess what? Blow the building up. Unlike Michael Knight, "Stringfellow Hawke" has clearly unresolved issues (he spends his off-time hanging out in a cabin looking at impressionistic art and playing a cello and fastidously avoiding women who think he's hunky ........) and blows the fuck out of shit to make himself feel better. Oh yeah, and he's supposed to be looking for his brother who's lost in Vietnam, who's name is St. John Hawke. I wish my parents had named me something cool. Sadly, Monsieur Hawke is now ... um ... chock full o'nuts. He totalled his career awhile back by hitting the booze, the drugs, and his wife, and now looks kind of like you'd expect. I saw him on one of those Entertainment Tonight's ghastly 'where are they now' eps, and he's concvinced that Hollywood is against him.
The only thing that could have been even cooler than Knight Rider and Airwold apart was a Knight Rider/Airwolf crossover series. A talking car with turbo jump driven by a guy with awesome hair and all the ladies teamed up with a faster-than-light helicopter armed with more guns and cannons and shit piloted by a guy who, um ... plays cello and ignores women ... anyways, that would have been the fucking shit. I am serious. Teenage boys all across the land would have fucking died from sheer awesome-osity overload.
Airwolf.....Knight Rider.... together ... are you shitting me ... what, do the take control of the United States ... take on martians .... travel through time ... holy fuck .... this is so cool.....
The only thing that could have made it even better was if they could have contrived to have the A-Team in it to provide background support.
Oh man, do I miss 80s television.
posted by Unknown @ 10:49 AM
1 Comments:
I've been getting my share of 80's TV thanks to diigtal cable. I've found that Miami Vice has now become one of my favourite shows.
-Eric
Post a Comment
<< Home