Puberty, Again?

Just when I think it's safe to start enjoying my growing dementia, to be able to settle into some kind of rhythm where nothing irritates the piss out of me, I suddenly discover that, much like when I was a young kid suffering from mystery boners (if you can tell me why walking past a mailbox would ... you know ... ), my body is going through changes again.

Apparently it's related to this malady known as 'getting older'. I think it's cockrot. It's a conspiracy, but I haven't been able to nail down any single source that dictates commands.

What, exactly, is my problem? Oh, I'll tell you. Don't you worry.

The other day I am shaving my three day growth off. I am using the most excellent, indeed, the most venerable of all shaving equipment out there. Armed with the Mach 3 Turbo (a blade so sharp that you could fight off a horde of ninjas with no time and still have enough resilience left over to carve your initials in stone) and the latest in shaving cream technology (I'm told NASA uses this stuff in place of grease, it's so slick), I have no doubts at all I can conquer my facial hair. After all, I've used it only once so far, and on way less stubble. It should've been like lightsaber through arm time.

Was it? Was I like the guy in the commercial, who just swipes that fucking Mach 3 Turbo razor across his face like it was nothing? Did I leave a clean sweep of baby-fine skin ready for the stroking by the hot women?

No. Not at fucking all.

I wept like a baby, and that was about it. My trusty Mach 3 Turbo had failed. I had stubble left behind, and where there wasn't stubble, there was razor burn.

I immediately accused my folks of using my phenomenally overpriced shaving equipment to scrape grout off the bathroom walls. It was either that or some mysterious entity was intentionally dulling my razor blades. Both ideas are equally probable in my household, seeing as how it's built over a Nexus of Increasingly Random Weirdness. I was, perhaps, irrationally pissed off, because I hate shaving to begin with. If it was up to me, I'd look like Grizzly motherfucking Adams, but the job demands it.

And that was when my folks explained to me that when a guy gets older, his facial hair turns into carbon-spun fibers. (They didn't say that, they just said it gets harder, but being the geek I am, I think the above sounds way cooler.) This is also why, they announced, most guys over thirty generally have some kind of beard. Not because they like the hair, but because they'd otherwise have a face like grated cheese.

I'll be honest and say that I don't particularly care much for having a beard either, though my insane perfectionism causes me to strive to new heights of careful architecture with it's shape; I just hate shaving more. So when I find out that, suddenly, my facial hair has the tensile strength of spidersilk, I have even less liking for it.

So here's a growing list of shit that happens when you get 'older':

1. You can hardly stay awake past nine o'clock. There might be shit worth watching, but you couldn't be bothered.
   
2. You can't drink nearly as much as you used to. It's a fact. Oh, you can consume as much as you used to, possibly twice as much. You should just expect that when the morning comes you'll find yourself in the hospital having your stomach pumped.
3. Tying your shoes is something you only do when you have to. I suggest you buy some kind of Vans or other skateshoes, tie them tightly, then slip them on. It works great for me, and this way, no one stares at you and your fuzzy bunny slippers.
   
4. Back hair. It happens. It is gross, and it isn't easy to wax off. (Long story, the short of which I now have a suspiciously close understanding of what it is to give birth)
5. The tendency to say 'When I was young' and actually have the history to back it up.
   
6. Suspicious bruising. It's life's way of reminding you that, a thousand years ago, you'd have been called 'Elder' and everyone is waiting for you to die so they can all move up a rank.
7. Ear hair. I don't have this yet, but it's on the way.
8. Nose hair. Much like beard hair, this stuff grows as fast as you can pluck it out. And the older you get, the farther back into your skull it is. I swear to God I pulled one out the other day and I lost a patch of hair on the back of my neck. That, and my eyes watered up like I was crying.
   

This list is by no means complete, but I am sure in the convening years, I'll have more to add.

So maybe it's not actually puberty, maybe it's the opposite of puberty, but faced with the above, is it any wonder most guys start dating women half their age and buy replacement penises from BWM?