Well, Jeebus Aitch Cripes ... I'm Back

To all of you who thought I was gone for good, congratulations, you're probably still going to be right. What the hell should I care if you think I've gone all senile and possibly moribund (look it up, it's a word). Half the time, I wish I was the fattest man on the earth. Then I could eat an entire KFC without having to explain myself.

As to what I've been doing, slowly and surely going insane is a good place to start. If you've been reading my previous posts, you know I work for a Spice factory. After explaining this the other night over and over and over again to a room full of people I didn't know or hadn't seen in some time, I realized that it sounds far less cool than it actually is. The next time people ask me what I'm doing, I am going to tell them that I am working on undermining society from within, and then ask them rather innocently where it is that they live, and are there security cameras.

Anyways, back to my job. I do, in fact, still work in a spice factory. Or, more to the point, a place where I could, if I wanted, make poisonous weapons of mass destruction out of the same ingredients people make flavored potato chips out of.
Now, me, I really don't like a lot of people. I just don't. It's built in, and I can work at keeping my sincere disgust at the morons around me to a dull roar, and I've finally mastered keeping my inside voice, well, inside. But GODDAMN, some shit pisses me right the fuck off.

Take this new gomer we hired from Express Personnel (if you don't know what this is, think temporary agency, only with the the entire cast and crew from Welcome Back, Kotter on the roster). He's a young kid, okay, so he's gets a small amount of understanding for being a complete and utter fucknob, but there is some shit that I just cannot HANDLE.

He wears his hat sideways.

Every fucking day.

His hat, on his head, sits, with the bill of the cap, a full ninety degrees to the left.

I mean, what the fuck is this all about? The last time this particular fashion trend came around was sometime in the 80's and early 90's. This is the urban solution to the mullet, as far as I am fucking concerned. You might as well wear a nametag that says you're a total dumbass, and start looking to get into Dumbass University, where they'll show you the proper type of clock to wear around your neck and what kind of soother you should suck on so you can well and truly bust out your mad street rep. This kid is so dope with his shiznit, that if I was Flava Flav, I would be sweating in my black BK's, yo.
Seriously. I hate the sideways hat so much it's not even funny. The other morning he was sitting at my table (in the mornings I am about as approachable as some kind of poisonous snake who's been stepped on by someone wearing golf shoes), with his sideways ass hat, eating a Subway sandwich.

You know those people who inhale popcorn in the theater like it's going out of style? Like if they don't eat their popcorn fast enough, it'll transform into a solid block of corn and concentrated butter fat? You know that noise. That lip-smacking, finger-licking, semi-audible grunt of masticatory fiendishness that is a language all to itself, complete with semaphore handwaving and foot tapping?

This kid, in his sideways hat and G-Unit RocaWear Sean-Jon attire, was sucking back his sandwich, at 645 in the morning, with the kind of energy I last saw while watching A Clockwork Orange (you know the scene ... he's all paralyzed and he's being fed chunks of steak ...). I almost killed him dead on the spot. I almost knocked his hat the right way on his head, which would have resulted in his fatality right there, because I am certain that resulting shift in the center of his gravity would have caused his head to slam forward like Casey at Bat time.

I asked around, and I found out that it is, in fact 'The Style', and that he is somehow transformed into some kind Ur-fashionista by being rebel enough to turn that hat sideways. I bet he uses a caliper to get it the precise distance required by the SideWays Hat Calibration Law passed in the late 1980's.

Whatever. All I know is it makes me crazy insane. Sideways hats. Cripes.

Next thing you know, they'll all be wearing the pants backwards.