EvilMister Interviews HasBeens, Laughs Ass Off At Own Foolishness

I've decided to add a new category. I will be interviewing people (mostly actors), who have or should have vanished off the face of the earth. Obviously, since I am an unemployed retard and don't work for any news agencies and have no contact beyond the voices in my head, there is very little chance of this being real. It's still pretty fucking funny, if only to me.

(applause) EvilMister turns to camera, smiles wide, waves to millions of adoring fans.

EM: Hey, and welcome back to EvilMister's Televised Dementia. Coming up next is Alex Winters, who's only claim to fame is playing one of the gomers in Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure and it's ass-sucking sequel, Bogus Journey. Come on out, Alex!
(applause, slightly confused, with a smattering of embarrassed coughing. Alex Winters comes across the stage, blinking from the haze of lights: he doesn't really know how he got here, but he's game for anything from the grin on his face)

AW: Thanks for having me on the show, Evil.

EM: EvilMister.

AW: Sorry?

EM: You sure are! Ahh, just fucking with you, Alex my man. Tell me, what was it like on the set of Excellent Adventure?

AW: Well, Evil, uh, Mister, it was just great. You know? I mean, it was like, the entire cast and crew were working together to pull off this movie that no one had ever seen before.

EM: Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, gotcha. Two fundamentally retarded nobrains get a device that travels through time so they can pass their history test. Riiiiight. Real piece of work. Kurasawa and Fellini were real worried.

AW: It was a great movie! People loved it.

EM: Hey, Alex, ol' china, trust me. I saw the movie a million times. Hey, um, what was the name of that guy starring opposite you ... it's on the tip of my tongue ... uhhhhh ...

AW: Keanu Reeves.

EM: Sorry, didn't catch that ... someone was talking in my head. Who?

AW: Keanu Reeves! Keanu Reeves! Asshole!

EM: Right, right, right. Kenny. Good guy. You know, it's kind of funny, but I seem to recall that he's done, like, a million movies now? Did some kind of sci-fi thing? With robots or AI or something? Got to make out with Carrie Ann Moss? Makes trillions of dollars a movie?

AW: He's done all right for himself. Anyway, let me tell you about this new project I'm working on. It's called Bill and Ted's Sons Have Their Own Excellent Adventure. It's got me in it, of course, and our kids, like, get into this thing where they have to ...

EM: All right? All right for himself? He's been in some of the greatest movies of the 21st century, and it's only been the 21st century for a little while! Shit! No wonder none of the studios wanna hire you! What was the name of that movie you were in with Randy Quaid? The one where he smothers you and some other twat in mutating goo? Damn, that was a fucking awful movie. What was it, Alex, come on, what was the name of the movie. Come on, tell me!

AW: Freaked, you fucking bastard! It was an important statement on comedic sensibilities! It had all kinds of famous people in, asshole! Brooke Shields and Morgan Fairchild were in it!

EM: Uh-huh, and what, uh, did that schlockfuck gross in the box office? Oh, wait! It was direct to video! Damn, Alex, that's gotta suck for you. With Kenny bein' all rich and famous and fucking supermodels and all and you live in ignominy? Man, I'd hate to be you.

AW: You are evil, mister. I'm out of here, fucker! (Alex blinks funny, then fades away into whatever he was dreaming about before he was grabbed for the show)

EM: Whoah! Boys and girls, I bet good old Alex there wishes he actually had a time-traveling phone booth so he could go back and beat the hell out of my good friend, Kenny Reeves! Don't forget, kiddies, you heard it from me first, I am EvilMister!

PS: If anyone has someone, live, dead, real of mythical, that they'd like to see lambasted, let me know!