Direct and Live from Ingelwood ... Coquitlam
So it turns out that I've still got one single fan out there who just happens to run his own site, and I just got through this whole Skype (sounds like some kind of grifting term if you ask me) interview dealie with him, and he mentioned in passing that he misses dear old me and my caustic sense of bloody wit, so here I am, posting live and direct from Ingelwood, Coquitlam.
First off, earlier this year I rejoined the Company (Starbucks). Now, you might think that I'm being needlessly pessimistic and overly dramatic about referring to an American Corporation as 'The Company' in an attempt to draw a comparison to the ubiqutious 'Company' in many of Stephen King's earlier novels, but you mofo's don't whatchu talking about. Let me explain it for you. Starbucks will control the world by 2020. We will be in charge of everything. you will wipe your asses with company approved toilet paper, you will drive to work in cars powered by coffee grinds, and you for sure as hell will march to the relentlessly crappy blues music that I'm forced to listen to on a daily basis. Why do i know this? because by 2020, i will be the guy in the funny hat and the armor plated Coffee Car shouting libellous statements at non-Company affiliated scrubs. it will be me dictating policy change and forcing Timmy Ho employees to walk through a gauntlet of perpetually buzzed 'partners' in green aprons, balancing a sample tray of the new Mocha Delight Ultra-Uber Shot Caffe-Maccha-Latto on their motherfucking heads.
where do i get off saying this? how dare i slam my own alma mater of business? well, firstly, i'm a thinking rational human being, and i am inherently skeptical of anything that seems remotely like positive reinforcement or fucking Skinner-box type environments.
Part of my employment requires that i go to things called 'Rallys', wherein new drinks and pastries are unveiled for my delight, as well as new procedures, etc. imagine a hot, sweaty room filled with the shiny, eager faces of young twenty-somethings all kneeling in front of the mighty coffee altar, receiving benefactions from the font of all coffee wisdom. then put me in that room, balls full of skepticism and a mouth full of acid. we are divided into teams, and these teams are expected to go around the room to various stations where we learn things that we did not know, and that we are blessedly divine to be introduced to. (i will point out that most starbucks chicks are super-sexy, so i had lots to do while the conditioning was going on). the shiny eager beavers cavort and twist for treats, prizes, and the nominal affection of their superiors, who are all themselves withered carcasses, freeze dried and perpetually ageless thanks to hundreds of cups of coffee.
i want to go home, but i can't, because i am being paid.
towards the end of the Rally, during which we were expected to repeatedly chant different mantras so that our minds will echo with their magic-making powers well into the next day, the Grand Poobah of the event shows us a video. it's a video of how unbearably kind and sweet we are, how helpful and awesome we are to the third and fourth world countries we get our coffee beans from. we put up schools, and medical facilities and give these poor people all they could ever want in life except the opportunity to make decisions for themselves. i am touched, but only in my left pocket, where i keep my bullshit monitor.
i don't tell my thoughts to my partners, though i do ask that one or more of them kill me dead on the spot lest i turn into my avatar, Evilmister. the poobah is crying slightly, overcome by the glorious sight of a world where We is All There Is.
When the rally ends, we hear a statistic. it is this:
By 2017, 1 in every 750 people in america will have worked or will work for starbucks. one in every 750. that's not an employee pool.
that's a motherfucking militia. And we serve you addictive coffee, sell you pastries that are packed with four hundred percent your daily allowance of calories so that when the war does come, more than eighty percent of our customers will be too fat and slow to run away. we do it with a shit-eating grin, a hearty sense of radicalized bonhomie and fearlessness. we do it because we can, and the whole thing is wrapped up in a nice, neat Environmentally friendly package.
i ain't saying don't go to Starbucks. Quite the opposite. Join the Company, be one of the few, the bold, the brave.
But for fuck's sake, don't drink the coffee. they put something in that, for sure.
Peace out!!
First off, earlier this year I rejoined the Company (Starbucks). Now, you might think that I'm being needlessly pessimistic and overly dramatic about referring to an American Corporation as 'The Company' in an attempt to draw a comparison to the ubiqutious 'Company' in many of Stephen King's earlier novels, but you mofo's don't whatchu talking about. Let me explain it for you. Starbucks will control the world by 2020. We will be in charge of everything. you will wipe your asses with company approved toilet paper, you will drive to work in cars powered by coffee grinds, and you for sure as hell will march to the relentlessly crappy blues music that I'm forced to listen to on a daily basis. Why do i know this? because by 2020, i will be the guy in the funny hat and the armor plated Coffee Car shouting libellous statements at non-Company affiliated scrubs. it will be me dictating policy change and forcing Timmy Ho employees to walk through a gauntlet of perpetually buzzed 'partners' in green aprons, balancing a sample tray of the new Mocha Delight Ultra-Uber Shot Caffe-Maccha-Latto on their motherfucking heads.
where do i get off saying this? how dare i slam my own alma mater of business? well, firstly, i'm a thinking rational human being, and i am inherently skeptical of anything that seems remotely like positive reinforcement or fucking Skinner-box type environments.
Part of my employment requires that i go to things called 'Rallys', wherein new drinks and pastries are unveiled for my delight, as well as new procedures, etc. imagine a hot, sweaty room filled with the shiny, eager faces of young twenty-somethings all kneeling in front of the mighty coffee altar, receiving benefactions from the font of all coffee wisdom. then put me in that room, balls full of skepticism and a mouth full of acid. we are divided into teams, and these teams are expected to go around the room to various stations where we learn things that we did not know, and that we are blessedly divine to be introduced to. (i will point out that most starbucks chicks are super-sexy, so i had lots to do while the conditioning was going on). the shiny eager beavers cavort and twist for treats, prizes, and the nominal affection of their superiors, who are all themselves withered carcasses, freeze dried and perpetually ageless thanks to hundreds of cups of coffee.
i want to go home, but i can't, because i am being paid.
towards the end of the Rally, during which we were expected to repeatedly chant different mantras so that our minds will echo with their magic-making powers well into the next day, the Grand Poobah of the event shows us a video. it's a video of how unbearably kind and sweet we are, how helpful and awesome we are to the third and fourth world countries we get our coffee beans from. we put up schools, and medical facilities and give these poor people all they could ever want in life except the opportunity to make decisions for themselves. i am touched, but only in my left pocket, where i keep my bullshit monitor.
i don't tell my thoughts to my partners, though i do ask that one or more of them kill me dead on the spot lest i turn into my avatar, Evilmister. the poobah is crying slightly, overcome by the glorious sight of a world where We is All There Is.
When the rally ends, we hear a statistic. it is this:
By 2017, 1 in every 750 people in america will have worked or will work for starbucks. one in every 750. that's not an employee pool.
that's a motherfucking militia. And we serve you addictive coffee, sell you pastries that are packed with four hundred percent your daily allowance of calories so that when the war does come, more than eighty percent of our customers will be too fat and slow to run away. we do it with a shit-eating grin, a hearty sense of radicalized bonhomie and fearlessness. we do it because we can, and the whole thing is wrapped up in a nice, neat Environmentally friendly package.
i ain't saying don't go to Starbucks. Quite the opposite. Join the Company, be one of the few, the bold, the brave.
But for fuck's sake, don't drink the coffee. they put something in that, for sure.
Peace out!!
posted by Unknown @ 5:03 PM
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