DEVILS

Don't you wish you could be one, like me??

Halloween (Samhain, Hall'O'Ween, what the fuck ever you wanna call it) is tomorrow. Whatever the original reasons for the 'holiday' (and EvilMister knows, yes, yesssss), it's now become an almost Hallmark variation on a theme. It's all good, though. I fully dig selling out, commercialization, that whole bag. Fuck them before they fuck you, get in, get out, take as much as you can. Shit yeah. Since it's Halloween, I'm going to drop a small list of my favorite Devils on ya'all.

1. "Scratch" from the movie Crossroads, 'starring' Ralph Macchio. This guy is my all time favorite incarnation of Evil. First, he's a snappy dresser (the movie's about an aging bluesman trying to keep his soul from the devil with an unimpressive Ralph as sidekick, and all the old-timers in the movie dusted off their own clothes for the movie). Second, he's got style. You can't fake that shit, and although this guy is the devil, you know, you just know he's in it to win it. Finally, and this is key, people, Scratch keeps his promises. He'll take your soul soon as look at you, but if he loses, he don't hold nothin' agin ya, he don't wait by the crossroads to try'n gitcha agin, he jess smiles, tips his hat, and moves on down the road... That, motherfuckers, is style.
2. The Lord of Darkness" from the movie Legend, with Tom Cruise. This demonic visage plays a second goddamn close to Scratch. He fulfills every Judao-Christian nightmare about what the devil looks like; enormous, bright red, big, big horns (and I mean big), and a tail. He is the quintessential devil, for without him, there can be no good. He is the ultimate tempter, almost swaying Mia Sara to the dark side (she looks unbelievably sexy as a gothic princess).
3. "John Milton" from The Devil's Advocate, as played by all-time great, Al Pacino. He is a powerful combination of the Lord of Darkness and Scratch. He's got mad game, seducing and mindfucking Kenny Reeve's character every step of the way, manipulating him like a poor puppet but never once forcing him in any direction. Arguably some of the best monologues a la Pacino-Rant style (which should, by the way, become a NY street contest like Spoken Word) I've ever heard or seen.
4. "Lucifer" from The Prophecy, played by Lord of the Rings mainstay, Viggo Mortenson. This version of the devil is dark and sultry, in response to Virginia Madsen's character. Lucifer is kind of downtrodden in this one, feeling the loss of Paradise most keenly, and you can't help but sympathize with his needs (he wants to stop Gabriel, played by Chris Walken, from starting the final war on Earth, cuz dammit, when that happens, he loses all his Weeble Wobbles).

Of course, these guys are all just doing an homage for me, and I thank them mightily for keeping my name in the papers. Without their undying dilligence, the perfection of their craft, and in some cases, extreme overacting, I wouldn't be alive today. Anyone who wants to make a donation to the EvilMister Fund for Damnation can drop me a line in the usual places. Please note: operators at the seventh and eighth levels of Tarterus are no longer accepting any inbound calls due to a snafu...