EvilMister is a Video Game Whore
I admit it.
I'm a whore when it comes to video games. If I couldn't acquire my software through the usual methods, I'd probably wind up hooking on the corner to pay for my jones.
There are specific types of games I dig on the most, and they generally involve pitting armies against one another a la Command and Conquer General (which, by the way, scores ten out of ten on the Waste of Time Dial ... the many, many days I have lost to that game alone are uncountable.) You build your bases, you get your resources, you research technology, all of that. It's kind of like chess, except no chess piece I ever heard of before could lob nuclear missiles across the screen at you, killing all your (until that moment) happy little worker drones. You're lucky when the game designers add a 'random map' engine which will churn up endlessly demented maps so you can never really learn the lay of the land. Play on hard levels, and you'd better be one motherfuck of a military genius to come out on top. Try C&C Generals on Hard with 8 opponents and you'll see what I mean. Sadly, I spent so much time on this game that I gained ten pounds but gained the ability to delude myself into thinking I am, in fact, just what the Army needs.
I also like the FPS genre, which should come about as much a shock as when we finally heard that yes, Liberace was as queer as you can get without being two people. Y'know what I'm talking about; once, I was a furtive little gamer sweating it out in the middle of the night trying to find the BFG to take down some of the worst rendered monsters in history. The theory was simple: more monster all the time. That philosophy hasn't changed much. Only the technologies behind the games have changed; when some motherfucker is hunting you from behind, you can hear that cocksucker's footsteps. If the people designing the game are sufficiently warped, you can hear laughter, too, evil, maniacal, just wait till I get you, then I'm gonna fuckin' kill you laughter. I love that.
Games I avoid? The Sims. Not because they suck, but because I invest too much time in a person who isn't real. We all know about The Sims, and The Sims 2. You make a person, you make him like you (or not) and then you ... uh ... do ... y'know ... stuff. The guys I play are either so like me they'll skip work, stay awake for three days, drink all the beer, pass out, get into fights with roommates and have sex with anything walking. Or the dudes are so fucking excellent at their jobs that I begin to lose confidence in the me that is the real me. Wanna have fun? Play the original Sims. Cheat your ass off to get millions of bucks. Build your own house. Make a kiddie room with lots of toys. Lure some kids up there. Pause the game and take all the doors and windows. Eventually the kids will die and you'll have a haunted rumpus room. Or build a pool, trick your tiresome roommate in their and take away the ladders. Eventually the schmoe will drown.
What has exclusive playtime on the ol' PC right now? Need for Speed Underground 2. This game has taken over my life because it appeals to the very basic reason why I don't drive in real life; I like to drive as fast as can as often as I can. The last time I was behind the wheel of a car I was driving 120 in a 35 zone. My then girlfriend nearly had a bird. We certainly argued. My point was that my reflexes are far superior to the rest of the human race and any accident I am likely to get into will be their fault, and not mine. In this game, you get a car. Then you race the car for money. Depending on how well you do, you can get upgrades. For everything. All those cars you see in those magazines were the models for these. You can buy new speedometers, for fuck's sake. The hotter your car, the better known you become. The better known you become, the harder the races, the higher the purse, the better the car you can buy. It's a never ending cycle, and it has consumed me. The graphics are unreal, and although you can run into a car travelling 120 miles an hour, it won't get damaged. You also can't run over people, which detracts a little from the realism. But then again, if I was shooting for realism, by chubby ass would have wound up in prison within three seconds of getting behind a car.
This game will carry me through until the much promised, much delayed, covered in bullshit release date of Half-Life 2. (Which, if everything happens as I have foretold, will end when the Earth is invaded by real aliens. Some years from now, we will learn that Valve, embarassed at their shenanigans, engineered the invasion to push their release date back a few more years. The real story is just as fucked. This is just one article ... the release date was once scheduled for Sept 30th ... 2003!!!)
Oh yessss, EvilMister is a Video Game Whore, yessss he is.
I'm a whore when it comes to video games. If I couldn't acquire my software through the usual methods, I'd probably wind up hooking on the corner to pay for my jones.
There are specific types of games I dig on the most, and they generally involve pitting armies against one another a la Command and Conquer General (which, by the way, scores ten out of ten on the Waste of Time Dial ... the many, many days I have lost to that game alone are uncountable.) You build your bases, you get your resources, you research technology, all of that. It's kind of like chess, except no chess piece I ever heard of before could lob nuclear missiles across the screen at you, killing all your (until that moment) happy little worker drones. You're lucky when the game designers add a 'random map' engine which will churn up endlessly demented maps so you can never really learn the lay of the land. Play on hard levels, and you'd better be one motherfuck of a military genius to come out on top. Try C&C Generals on Hard with 8 opponents and you'll see what I mean. Sadly, I spent so much time on this game that I gained ten pounds but gained the ability to delude myself into thinking I am, in fact, just what the Army needs.
I also like the FPS genre, which should come about as much a shock as when we finally heard that yes, Liberace was as queer as you can get without being two people. Y'know what I'm talking about; once, I was a furtive little gamer sweating it out in the middle of the night trying to find the BFG to take down some of the worst rendered monsters in history. The theory was simple: more monster all the time. That philosophy hasn't changed much. Only the technologies behind the games have changed; when some motherfucker is hunting you from behind, you can hear that cocksucker's footsteps. If the people designing the game are sufficiently warped, you can hear laughter, too, evil, maniacal, just wait till I get you, then I'm gonna fuckin' kill you laughter. I love that.
Games I avoid? The Sims. Not because they suck, but because I invest too much time in a person who isn't real. We all know about The Sims, and The Sims 2. You make a person, you make him like you (or not) and then you ... uh ... do ... y'know ... stuff. The guys I play are either so like me they'll skip work, stay awake for three days, drink all the beer, pass out, get into fights with roommates and have sex with anything walking. Or the dudes are so fucking excellent at their jobs that I begin to lose confidence in the me that is the real me. Wanna have fun? Play the original Sims. Cheat your ass off to get millions of bucks. Build your own house. Make a kiddie room with lots of toys. Lure some kids up there. Pause the game and take all the doors and windows. Eventually the kids will die and you'll have a haunted rumpus room. Or build a pool, trick your tiresome roommate in their and take away the ladders. Eventually the schmoe will drown.
What has exclusive playtime on the ol' PC right now? Need for Speed Underground 2. This game has taken over my life because it appeals to the very basic reason why I don't drive in real life; I like to drive as fast as can as often as I can. The last time I was behind the wheel of a car I was driving 120 in a 35 zone. My then girlfriend nearly had a bird. We certainly argued. My point was that my reflexes are far superior to the rest of the human race and any accident I am likely to get into will be their fault, and not mine. In this game, you get a car. Then you race the car for money. Depending on how well you do, you can get upgrades. For everything. All those cars you see in those magazines were the models for these. You can buy new speedometers, for fuck's sake. The hotter your car, the better known you become. The better known you become, the harder the races, the higher the purse, the better the car you can buy. It's a never ending cycle, and it has consumed me. The graphics are unreal, and although you can run into a car travelling 120 miles an hour, it won't get damaged. You also can't run over people, which detracts a little from the realism. But then again, if I was shooting for realism, by chubby ass would have wound up in prison within three seconds of getting behind a car.
This game will carry me through until the much promised, much delayed, covered in bullshit release date of Half-Life 2. (Which, if everything happens as I have foretold, will end when the Earth is invaded by real aliens. Some years from now, we will learn that Valve, embarassed at their shenanigans, engineered the invasion to push their release date back a few more years. The real story is just as fucked. This is just one article ... the release date was once scheduled for Sept 30th ... 2003!!!)
Oh yessss, EvilMister is a Video Game Whore, yessss he is.
posted by Unknown @ 8:41 PM
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