Reality TV, Thy Name is FOX

Holy Shit. I've just seen another sign of the Apocalypse. Not of the world's souls, but of it's IQ.

PT Barnum once said, "There's a sucker born every minute." FOX Tv has gone out of their way to prove this, and prove it with a vengeance. The show? My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss. The premise? Simple. It's a total rip-off of The Apprentice, starring the Donald.

Now if you're suckers for FOX programming like I am, you've already witnessed the first Big Fat Obnoxious tripe that stank up the airwaves last year, only that time, it was all about a fiance. This shit is better. They have an actor playing a billionaire. Except he's a total fuckwad. He says nasty shit to people, confuses the fuck out of them and generally makes a dick of himself every time he's on camera. He starts off by asking every single woman on the show what their love life is like. I think it's gonna get worse, though.

In the first episode, it's men (CONCAD Inc) VS. women (Femron), and the contests are seriously messed up. CONCAD (an admixture of con meaning grifter and cad meaning asshole) and Femron (a take on Enron) have to panhandle. Yeah, you read it right. Six girls who had the psychic foresight to wear tight shirts and short shorts and six doods who wore sweatpants and shirts. Of course the chicks won, because they said they were from a cheerleader camp. That might sound sexist, but if EvilMister had a nice rack and pretty legs, I'd be hustlin' shit all day long. If I could tear myself from the mirror long enough.

As each contest has a prize, so it has a booby prize. The guys, who lost by a few bucks (seriously) had to sleep out of doors in hobotown. You think that might suck, but the women got to sleep in the penthouse, with their matresses stuffed with cash. Funnily enough, the women slept worse. Who'd of thunk that sleepin' on a pile o' dough would suck so much.

At the end of each show, the losers have to haul their sorry asses up to the boardroom, where they get a new one torn into them by the maniacal leader of a fake company (Iocor, which is latin for joker). He tears into them, calling them losers and all manner of things. Then he tells the gang boss to pick two people, and then the spitballing starts. The two uber-losers try and hustle their way out of getting shitcanned on the first day, but there's something they don't know, and it ain't that their 'boss' is an actor.

The ass sitting on the other side of the desk? He's not the guy who chooses who gets let loose. (It's a big secret that won't be revealed until the end of the show.) But he is the guy who gets to make up some utterly bullshit reason why the poor sadsack gets his ass turfed. The first schmoe got told he was too short, and that short people pretty much suck in high finance, that tall people rock. The other guy (he was Asian, and for a really bad moment, I thought FOX might've lost their nut altogether) got told he was wearing too expensive a suit. This guy got fired for dressing fancy.

How fucking awesome is that?

I'm a billionaire. I told you I hate suits, and you're wearing the most expensive one in the room! Get the hell out of my office!

That is a direct quote. This show is my new hero. 12 people, all of them supposedly top-of-the-line market managers, salespeople, and financial analysts, getting fucked raw by an actor, and all for the chance to work for a nonexistent billion dollar company. I assume along the way we'll see at least one of them descend into the lower depths of Hell to win. Oh, and at least one hookup, 'cuz some of these women are tasty.

P.T. Barnum might've known that there's a sucker born every minute, but only FOX could find twelve of them, convince them they could make millions, and then have them drink Ripple and think it was champagne. These fuckers should be working the long con in Vegas, not programming television shows.

HAH! Reality TV, thy name is FOX.